I’ve returned…but not here

I’ve recently returned to blogging–if you’re interested head on over to Perceptually True and check out my new work.  And of course feel free to explore this site as well as I’ll leave it active to allow access to the archives.

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glimpses

it’s been just over six months since i’ve posted here, and i almost don’t want to just because it’s been so long.  well, that and i’ve always gotten annoyed at blogs that have posts randomly popping up in the midst of long voids that pretty much say nothing except “wow, it’s been a long time since i’ve written.” Continue reading “glimpses”

insomnia, our definition…

why is it that we randomly doubt our needs for sleep meds and attempt to sleep without them?  you’d think that one or two times of waking up after two or three hours after being “so tired” that surely we would sleep through the night would be enough of a lesson, but no, for some reason we insist on testing out this random hypothesis every few months. Continue reading “insomnia, our definition…”

running from emptiness…

i’ve often wondered if it is possible to actually run away from nothing or if then by definition what you are doing then becomes something else.  do you have to be pursued by something in order to flee?  do you just assume that there is something there when you find yourself running even though you can’t remember what it was that first made you think that you were being chased? Continue reading “running from emptiness…”

it’s the little things…

I’ve decided that it’s the little things that both make up recovery and make recovery worth it.  I’ve been noticing these little things more and more.  It’s cooking a full dinner just for yourself…even when you feel like your butt is getting huge.  It’s ordering in pizza for yourself and eating a few slices for dinner…for the first time without bingeing and purging.  It’s buying clothes based on what fits and makes you happy…while ignoring the tag and the brand.  It’s not walking for a day, because it’s cold outside and you just don’t feel like it and still eating meals and snacks.  It’s realizing, even for just a second, that life is better when food can just be food…instead of being everything else.  It’s refusing to care which mirrors in the dance studio are “thin” ones…even when the dance teacher cares.

One of my favorite sayings about recovery is that it’s made up of the sum of lots of little decisions.  One little choice one way or the other isn’t necessarily going to decide your recovery from an eating disorder, but it’s a lot of little decisions that add up to whether you’re actually going to have a life outside of your eating disorder or not.  I guess I never expected it to go the other way as well…that it would be the sum of little results that would make living in recovery from an eating disorder worth it too.  It is though…when I notice that I’ve had a day when my life was about more than food or the size of my body, I realize that this is one of the “little” results of the thousands of “little” decisions that I made and am still making along the way, and I smile.  Because for such a “little” thing, it sure is a big deal.

the ones who don’t count

there are times that sorrow and grief settle over our shoulders like a heavy wool coat in the middle of the summer.  it catches us by surprise sometimes…when we’re off dealing with completely different issues and then something triggers.  the questions inside that start coming…the dialogue that is overheard is heartbreaking. Continue reading “the ones who don’t count”